


Therapy Sessions

by Sammynughh



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Dead Dean Winchester, M/M, Parental Jody Mills, Plot Twists, Sam Gets Injured On a Hunt, Sam Seeks Professional Psychiatric Help, Sam Starts Journaling as Doctor Suggests, Sam Winchester Gets A Dog, Sam Winchester Hates Angels, Sam Winchester Makes A New Friend, Sam Works From Bunker, Sorrowful Sam Winchester, Suicidal Sam Winchester, Wincest-Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-05
Updated: 2019-12-06
Packaged: 2021-02-26 02:29:07
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 8
Words: 18,621
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21686059
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sammynughh/pseuds/Sammynughh
Summary: WARNING MATURE AUDIENCES ONLYTHIS IS WINCESTTRIGGER WARNING: Suicidal Thoughts,Main Character Death.A Lot of Angst, Sorrowful!Sam,Dean Is Dead, Future Sam,Sam's Journaling, SeeksProfessional Therapy, Feels,Mentions Incest Sex Acts,Brotherly Love, Soulmates,Unexpected Happy EndingWORDS: 18,6218 Chapters, 2,000+ words per ChapterSUMMARY: On April 10, 2020, Dean Winchester blew himself and Chuck/God up. Sam was devastated and is still in mourning 2 yrs later. Jody checks on him consistantly. He gets so bad he realizes he needs help. She refers him to a psych doc.~~~~~Wincest Canon-divergent meaning the story line was completely altered from SPN canon facts on purpose. SPN Characters are not mine.~~~~~
Relationships: Dean Winchester/Sam Winchester, Sam Winchester/Original Male Character(s)
Comments: 33
Kudos: 33





	1. The First and Second Session

**[Wednesday, April 20, 2022]**

Jody walks into the bunker with her pistol drawn. "SAM! SAM YOU IN HERE?!" She starts walking down the steps into the war room. "SAM WINCHESTER YOU BETTER ANSWER ME RIGHT NOW OR SO HELP ME!"

That's when she sees him on the floor of the library. "SAM!" She puts her pistol away and goes to his side. "Sam. Wake up sweetie." She shakes him and looks him over for any wounds.

He wakes up and is surprised to see Jody. "Hey. What are you doing here?" He's also surprised to find himself on the floor.

Jody helps him get up and into a chair. "You haven't answered your phone the past 2 days. Thought I'd stop by. I'm glad I did." She looks him over. He's light as a feather for a man of his height. "You're not eating or taking care of yourself. Sam..." She puts her forehead against his for a moment and then hugs him to her chest.

"Come on." She hoists him up.

"What?" He reluctantly lets the momma bear do her thing.

"You need a shower. Badly. So move." She pushes him along toward his room that happens to be Dean's old room." After your shower, meet me in the kitchen. Don't take all day about doing it."

Sam grins. "Yes ma'am." He gathers his clean clothes and goes to take a shower.

Jody goes to the kitchen to prepare a hot meal. Something bland that she thinks he can stomach. She thaws out some chicken breast to make some chicken and rice casserole with carrots and peas. Something he can easily reheat and eat later. She also makes a small side dish of canned peaches from the fridge with a small spoonful of cottage cheese.

Sam comes into the kitchen after his shower. He still looks like a lumberjack with his full beard, but at least he doesn't smell like one. Jody gives him a proper hug.

He sits down and looks so sad.

Jody makes him a cup of coffee while dinner is cooking. She sits down with him and sips on coffee. She takes his hand into hers. "I'm worried about you."

He looks at her finally. His eyes are red. "I'm worried, too."

She pulls a card out of her pocket and puts it in his hand. "He's good, Sam. He knows about hunter's secrets and keeps them. He helped me after I lost my husband and my boy. He also helped Alex. You remember how bad she was?"

Sam nods.

Jody smiles. "She's amazing now. I'm not saying Dr. Christian's a miracle worker. I'm just suggesting he's worth a try." She pats Sam's hand and gets up to check on dinner.

~~~~~~~~~~

**[Monday, April 25, 2022]**   
**[Office of Dr. Robert L. Christian]**

Sam shows up for his initial consultation with Dr. Christian. He takes a seat on the doctor's sofa after shaking his hand.

The doctor takes a seat in his own comfortable chair.

The doctor appears to be in his early 40's. The touch of gray in his hair could be deceiving. He could be younger. He's clean shaven with light mocha skin. He's also a tall man. Close to Sam's height. His eyes remind Sam of the archangel Gabriel. A very unique color of gold that's almost mesmerizing.

Sam had an odd reaction when he shook the man's hand. The doctor took note.

"Did you think we had met before, Sam?"

"Huh? Oh, no. I just thought you looked a bit like the archangel Gabriel." He says it as if everyone has seen archangels.

"Would that be a compliment or an insult?"

Sam laughs. "Depends on who you ask. I'd say it's a compliment. He was a bit of a trickster, but I ended up liking him over all the others. Too bad they're all dead."

The doctor's eyes widen. "All of the angels?"

"Oh no! Just the archangels. They couldn't get along well with others, it seems. They also had daddy issues." Sam shrugs.

The doctor smiles. "I understand you're having problems coping with your brother's passing."

Sam sighs. "Yeah."

"I need you to be completely honest with me, Sam. Everything you say stays right here and never leaves this room. There are no recording devices. I take notes, so I can remember our discussions, but I don't write down specifics. The only thing I have to report, by law, is if you tell me you are planning to kill some one. You understand this?"

"Yes, I understand." Sam's still nervous.

"Are you at all suicidal, Sam?" The doctor seems really concerned.

"I have thoughts, but I haven't done it yet." Sam rubs his hands over his face.

"This isn't meant to be as harsh as it sounds, but I need to know. Why haven't you tried to kill yourself?"

Sam understands why he asked. "I don't want to face my brother knowing I killed myself."

The doctor writes in his binder. "Do you believe in God?"

Sam laughs. Really laughs. "God's dead. Just like Dean."

"You really believe that."

"I know that. I was there."

~~~~~~~~~~

**[Sam's Journal]**

_~Tuesday, April 26, 2022~_

_It's been 2 years and 16 days (well almost 16 days in about a 2 more hours) since you died. I went to a shrink yesterday because it was either that or finally eat this bullet I've had in my pocket ever since you left._

_He thinks I'm certifiable._

_The good doctor told me to write as though I'm talking to you. I told him I talk to you all the time. He said writing it down is better. Fine. Here it is._

_I miss you._

_Fuck, I hate this. It never gets easier._

_Just so you know, I'm going to have to tell this doc everything, and I do mean EVERYTHING. Otherwise, I don't think I'm going to make it. I hope you can forgive me for not keeping our secrets. I feel bad for breaking your trust, but somehow I think you'll understand._

_This isn't like when I was in the mental hospital and couldn't sleep because of the hallucinations. I'm not hallucinating or having any of those issues. I'm just void inside. You're gone and you took me with you. The past two years I've been just walking around like a robot or a zombie._

_I have a great paying job at a university. I'm a Lore and Ancient Language Consultant. There's a professor that has a group of students that study paranormal activity and I'm very handy with the research that even the professor can't seem to uncover. I'm able to work from the bunker via the internet._

_Jody, Donna and others come by to check on me and, as you know, I'm good at putting on a brave face. Inside I'm slowly fading away._

_The longer you're away the more of me disappears. I'm starting to not even know who I am anymore, De._

_Like I was saying before, I need someone to open up to. Someone to help me cope with this. I can't do it on my own any more. I hope you'll forgive me when I see you again. I love you so much it hurts._

_Give mom and dad a hug for me, Jerk._

~~~~~~~~~~

**[Monday, May 2, 2022]**   
**[Office of Dr. Robert L. Christian]**

Sam shows up for his appointment on time. He looks like he just got out of bed. He still has his full beard and long hair. He's wearing jeans, an untucked plain gray t- shirt and a blue plaid flannel shirt that's unbuttoned. He sits on the doctor's sofa.

Dr. Christian sits in his usual chair. "Hello Sam." He smiles. He sees the bags under Sam's eyes as Sam gives a slight grin. "Happy birthday."

"Oh." Sam's eyes widen. He didn't even realize today was his birthday. He suddenly starts to cry as he thinks about his brother and all the birthdays shared and those they won't share.

The doctor hands Sam a box of tissue. Sam takes it and uses some. He whispers "Thanks." as he wipes at his eyes and nose with the tissue. His chest is already hurting. He hates being emotional in front of anyone. "Sorry."

"It's why I'm here." The doctor respectfully looks at his binder on his lap and gives Sam time to recover. "Did you write in your journal, as we discussed?"

Sam nods and hands it to the doctor.

The doctor reads the one entry while Sam regains his composure. After making a few notes in his binder, the doctor hands the journal back to Sam. "Per our conversation on your first visit, I have counseled many hunters and men who need to kill in order to save lives. Such as first responders. Anything we discuss is in complete confidence, unless you tell me you're planning to kill someone. Understand?"

Sam nods. "What I'm going to talk to you about isn't normal, but it's my life."

There's silence for a while.

"Go on. I'm listening."

Sam pulls out his dad's journal from his book bag. "When I was 6 months old a very powerful demon came into my nursery..."

Sam finishes telling the doctor about Azazel, his mom and dad's death and the reason he went to college, to try and escape the life of being a hunter. "But there's another reason I had to get away. I started having feelings for my brother even though I knew it was wrong. I also knew he felt the same way. In fact, we kissed a few times. At the time it felt wonderful. It was when I was alone in class that I started having doubts. I was feeling guilty. So, I got a scholarship to Stanford and left."

The doctor's eyebrows go up. "Stanford. I'm impressed." He smiles.

Sam smiles back. "Yeah well, it didn't last."   
His smile fades. "I met the most amazing woman, Jessica. The whole time I was in college she was beside me. She helped me get over Dean, without her even realizing it. I told her I had family issues, which included an alcoholic dad that my big brother looked after."

"I had just taken my tests to go to law school. My big interview was coming up when Dean came back into my life saying dad had gone missing. I dropped everything to go with Dean. I later regretted it because Azazel's minions killed Jessica the same way he killed my mom." Sam sighs at the memory. He's already cried all his tears out over Jess. He only has enough tears left for Dean.

The doctor looks at his watch. "Do you mind if I borrow your father's journal until next week?"

Sam stands up and hands the journal to the doctor. "That's why I brought it." He turns to leave. "Thanks for listening."

"Oh Sam."

Sam turns back toward the doctor.

"Remember to journal every day. You don't necessarily have to talk to your brother, but say something about how you're feeling or what you've been doing that day." He steps closer and places his hand on Sam's shoulder. "It's okay to cry. It helps us release those pent up emotions. Would it be okay if I gave you a hug for your birthday?"

Sam thinks about that. He nods and the doctor gives Sam a hug. It's just a short, nice hug. Sam smiles as the doctor steps back. "Thanks."

"You're welcome. Try to do something nice for yourself today." He pats Sam's shoulder as he leaves the doctor's office.

~~~~~~~~~~

**[Sam's Journal]**

_~Tuesday, May 3, 2022~_

_I saw Dr. Christian yesterday. I enjoyed talking with him._

_I stopped and had a hamburger at Joe's for my birthday. He asked about you. I had to tell him you died. He was sad to hear it. I didn't realize it'd been that long since I'd been at Joe's._

_I had forgot that yesterday was my birthday until the doc reminded me._

_All the birthdays we celebrated in motels without our dad. You wouldn't let one pass without getting me a gift. (Even if you had to steal in order to get me one.) I never deserved you. You sure as hell deserved a better brother than me. What a punk ass bitch I was! You loved me anyway. Maybe that's why you fell for me? Hell, I don't know._

_I remember as a kid there were times I hated you. You kept me from doing things I really wanted to do. Like having a puppy. Just a little dog. You took it from me and drove it to the pound. I was so mad at you. Dad came back and sided with you. Said we can't have a dog in a motel. He also announced he was leaving us again for another week. I was livid._

_As soon as he took off, so did I. Sixteen years old and on the road. In Flagstaff, Arizona I found friends, junk food, a pretty girl and a golden retriever I named Bones. I was going to see the Grand Canyon. Then you found me. I never seen you so upset. I thought it was because dad tore into you over losing me. I never meant to hurt you. Gah! I was so stupid!_

_I miss you like the desert misses the lush green grass._

_No, worse._


	2. Third Session

**[Sam's Journal]**

_~Wednesday, May 4, 2022~_

_Today sucked._   
_There. I wrote something._

~~~~~~~~~~

**[Sam's Journal]**

_~Thursday, May 5, 2022~_

_Want to hear something funny? That bullet I carry in my pocket all the time. I carved my name into it a few days after you died. This way there's no mistaking who that bullet's meant for._

~~~~~~~~~~

**[Sam's Journal]**

_~Friday, May 6, 2022~_

_Did you know I took your room? For over a year I left it alone and only went inside to smell your pillow so I could remember how you smell. Your scent faded over time. I took one of your t-shirts from the dirty clothes and put it in a ziploc bag. I only open it on rare occasions. Saving your smell for when I really need you near me. Thing is, I need you near me all the time. And don't give me that bullshit about you always being with me, because you're not. I know exactly where you are and that's exactly where I want to be right now._

_There's only one thing that stops me from chambering this bullet I'm looking at as I write this. It's the disappointment I'll see on your face. I know I'd end up regretting it, too. Even though there's nothing here for me to live for._

_I listen to your music until I can't anymore. It's just better to sit in silence most times because almost anything and everything reminds me of you._

_I have your cell phone still. I won't let it get turned off, so I can call it and hear your voice. I even saved some bullshit messages you sent me. One of them makes me cry because you laugh and call me a bitch... water works every time._

_I boxed up all your things and put the boxes in storage. (A spare bedroom.) All that I kept in your room, before I moved into it, was your records, record player, memory foam mattress and the framed picture of you and mom you kept on your nightstand._

_I went and had the picture I took of the four of us printed at the drug store on nice photo paper. The pic I took using my cell phone when you wished for dad using the pearl. It's a miracle it didn't disappear when he did. I framed it and set it next to the picture of you and mom._

_My whole family's in heaven._

_Now my life sucks._

~~~~~~~~~~

**[Sam's Journal]**

_~Saturday, May 7, 2022~_

_Groceries. I hate having to buy groceries. It was really bad when people from town first found out you died. People were hugging me and giving me things. Now people just stare at me. Some people have a look like they pity me and others like they're mad at me as if your death was my fault. We both know the people in town had a real affinity toward you that I never fully understood. Anyway, I'm just letting you know how much it sucks grocery shopping now that you're gone._   
________________________________________

_I'm back._

_It was just as creepy as ever. At least I got some fresh produce and some bottles of good wine. I'll drink a toast to you my love, as soon as I can find the bottle opener._

~~~~~~~~~~

**[Sam's Journal]**

_~Sunday, May 8, 2022~_

_Yes, I'm drunk. So what?_   
_Fuck you very much._

~~~~~~~~~~

**[Monday, May 9, 2022]**   
**[Office of Dr. Robert L. Christian]**

Sam walks in wearing sunglasses as he takes a seat on the good doctor's sofa.

Dr. Christian takes a seat in his chair as he accepts the journal Sam hands him. "Oh, let me give you this before I forget." He returns John's journal back to Sam. "That was very enlightening."

Sam just nods.

The doctor points to Sam's face with his pen. "Any particular reason for the sunglasses?"

Sam quickly removes them. "Sorry. Late night."

The doctor holds up his finger as he finishes reading Sam's journal entries for the week. He looks up at Sam when he's done and returns the journal to him. "Did you go out last night? You wrote that you got drunk."

Sam shakes his head no. "I just drank a bottle of wine by myself."

"Do you often drink alone?" He writes in his binder.

"No. I don't drink that often at all."

"So what prompted you to drink last night to the point of inebriation?"

Sam knows the doctor is only trying to help. He sighs. "My brother disappeared when he died. There was no body because he blew up. Disintegrated. The town loved Dean and expected a funeral when they heard he died."

"You never had a funeral for your brother. The man you love more than anyone. Why?" The doctor isn't accusing Sam of anything. He's just asking out of curiosity.

Sam sits up straight. "You don't know anything! Why would I have a funeral for Dean when he isn't dead!" Sam is more upset than angry.

Dr. Christian places his hands up in the air and speaks very calmly. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean that you did something wrong Sam."

Sam nods and calms himself. "Okay. I'm sorry for raising my voice."

"Is that what upsets you about the people in town? They think of Dean as being dead and you know that he still lives?" The doctor patiently waits for Sam's answer.

Sam finally answers, "I'm frustrated because they can never know the truth. Dean gave his life saving all of us. Everyone. They'll never know that, yet they still look at me as if I did something wrong."

The doctor makes a note then sets his binder down. "You made a sacrifice too, Sam. He gave his life for the world. You gave us him. Didn't you?"

Sam bursts into tears.

"He wouldn't have done it if you told him not to. Right?"

Sam nods that the doctor is right.

"So, are you also mad that the people really don't understand just how much YOU also sacrificed?" He gives Sam a box a tissue.

Sam uses the tissues. After a minute to compose himself he answers, "You're right."

"People can see that you're angry, but they don't know why. You need to find a way to vent your anger. Alcohol isn't going to help."

Sam thinks about his life and how he's been angry almost his whole life. "I don't know how to deal with this anger. Dean has been the only person who's been able to get through to me. I think I was born with this anger."

"People don't get angry all the time or sad all the time. There are reasons for every emotion that we experience, unless there's a chemical imbalance. Such as with alcohol. Alcohol can cause a person to be angry and violent or happy and goofy. If a person doesn't have a chemical imbalance, and I'm under the impression you do not; they have legitimate reasons to be angry, sad, happy or any of the emotions one might feel."

The doctor sits back in his chair. "While I'm trying to help you, I'm going to ask that you refrain from getting drunk. Having a couple drinks with dinner is fine. I just don't want you drinking your problems away. Can we agree on this?"

"You're right. I'll stay sober while I'm in therapy." He blows his nose and throws away his tissues.

"Good." The doctor smiles. He looks at his notes. "Do you have _your_ bullet on you right now?"

Sam is surprised the doctor brought it up, but he then remembers that the doc read his journal. "I do."

"May I see it? I'll give it back." He holds his hand out for it.

Sam reaches into his right front pants pocket and pulls out the bullet, then places it in the doctor's open hand.

The doctor examines the bullet and sees Sam's name carved meticulously into the silver bullet and not the casing. "Why silver?"

"I've always carried a silver bullet in my pocket ever since I was a child. I never know when a creature might come along that a lead bullet won't kill. I just decided to use that bullet since it's always in my pocket." Sam shrugs.

"So, even though your name's on it, it might end up in someone or something else." He gives it back to Sam.

Sam looks at it. "Sure. I suppose."

"Do you have another silver bullet on you?"

"Do you mind if I check my weapon?"

"No. Go right ahead." The doc watches as Sam removes his weapon from behind him and removes the magazine.

"I've got more."

"Would you mind if I kept the one with your name on it until next week?"

Sam thinks about that. It's not like he can't carve his name into another one if he really wanted to. He shrugs. "Why not?" He gives the bullet back to the doctor. He then puts the magazine back in his gun. Makes sure the safety is on and puts it back where he had it safely hid.

"Thank you Sam." The doctor puts the bullet in his own pocket. "Don't make another one. Okay?"

"Okay."

"For next week, I want you to write 10 things you wish you would have told Dean while he was alive. If you can't come up with 10, write as many as you can come up with."

"Why?" Sam's chest hurts just thinking about this.

The doctor smiles. "Therapy. It'll help, Sam. You'll see. And remember, this is just between us. Be honest and write what you need to get off your chest."

Sam just nods.

~~~~~~~~~~

**[Sam's Journal]**

_~Monday, May 9, 2022~_

_I just had my appointment with Dr. Christian. He asked me to write down 10 things I should have told you while you were still alive._

_1\. I should have said just how much I love you. We always expressed it other ways. You'd touch me when no one was looking. Call me a bitch. I'd call you a jerk. Hold each other. Making love. You loved me perfectly. I just wish I had said it to you plain and simple more often. "I love you, Dean."_

_2\. When you tricked me into letting an angel possess me, I'm sorry for making you feel so badly about it. I'm sorry for ever saying we aren't brothers any more. You saved my life. The mean and hateful things I said were uncalled for. I shouldn't have ever said them. Thank you for saving me and I'm sorry I was so hurtful._

_3\. I'm sorry I let you down when you went to purgatory. I know you've forgiven me. What I also need to apologize for is not telling you how sorry I am that you lost your friend Benny because of me. I know he got you through purgatory when I did nothing. Then when I got lost in purgatory, you did the only thing you could. Sacrificed the one person that saved your life in order to save mine. You love me so much, that I am not worthy of that kind of love. Benny even willingly died to come help show me the way out because he knew you couldn't live without me. I'm sorry I was so thoughtless and selfish while you were in purgatory._

_I'll write more tomorrow._

~~~~~~~~~~

**[Sam's Journal]**

_~Tuesday, May 10, 2022~_

_Good morning Dean. I love you. I miss you. I wish I could kiss you!_

_The college kids called wanting to know about a creature with a spike that comes out of it's hand. Had fun explaining wraiths to kindergarteners. (Insert sarcasm here.)_

_It's really not fun anymore, Dean._

_Where was I..._

_4\. You should have taken me with you! Every time you died and left me behind I became a waste of space. A walking void in this world._

_**Just like I am now!** _

**_I_**

**_SHOULD_**

**_HAVE_**

**_DIED_**

**_WITH_**

**_YOU!_**

[Sam's pen was pressing hard into the paper. There's ink blotches, but the words can still be read.]

_Sorry about that. My pen broke. I'm not feeling well. I'll write more later._


	3. The Fourth Session

**[Sam's Journal]**

_~Wednesday, May 11, 2022~_

_Jody says "Hi!" She's convinced that your ghost haunts the bunker and that's why I stay here all alone. I keep telling her that you crossed over. Hell, she knows what you did to save the world._

_I do admit I wish you were a ghost at times. At least I wouldn't be talking to myself and feeling so alone._

_The worst is waking up from a vivid dream of being someplace we always talked about going, but never went. Lying on the beach and you crawl on top of me after just being in the water. I can taste the saltwater on your lips as you kiss me. When I wake up, all I taste are the saltiness of my own tears._

_Okay, back to the list..._

_5\. I was born to love you. Making love to you came so easy. We fit together perfectly. Nothing I've ever done or will ever do in my life will ever be as important or as beautiful as loving you. Because of you, I regained my soul when it was far from me. I had no idea what being a soul mate was until I was without my soul and my soul mate died to find my soul and give it back to me. I'm feeling that once again, my soul has been torn from me. I'm not me anymore and I never will be._

~~~~~~~~~~

**[Sam's Journal]**

_~Thursday, May 12, 2022~_

_6\. I don't think I ever told you about this and I should have. Remember when you were dealing with baby Amara and the good Sheriff right after the Darkness hit? I should have told you that I got infected with the Darkness virus and almost succumbed to it while I was at the hospital. Reaper Billie gave me the clue I needed to save myself. She told me I was "Biblically unclean" and I finally figured out burning holy oil cleanses your body and your spirit. If I didn't tell you, I should have._

_I think I kept it to myself because I wanted to believe the visions I had seen were from God. You kept saying they were just dreams or left over hallucinations. We were both wrong. Ended up Lucifer was toying with my brain by having me see "signs" like a "burning bush" that wasn't on fire. Wanting me to think it was signs from God telling me to free Lucifer so he could help with Amara. I was such a fool. Yet you still loved me._

~~~~~~~~~~

**[Sam's Journal]**

_~Friday, May 13, 2022~_

_I woke up this morning with your warm breath on my neck. Your hands on my hips. My legs straddling your waist._

_I soon realized I was on my stomach and grinding my pillow. I'd already cum and my body was trembling._

_Memories aren't just affecting my life when I'm awake. Thoughts of you are affecting my dreams. At first, I was happy. It was as if I slipped out of this world and spent time with you in heaven. We made love and even now I can feel your kisses on my neck. Your fingers in my hair. Your love taking me from all the ugliness and sorrow._

_You're not here. I keep wiping away the steady stream of tears and nothing changes. I lie in bed listening to my heart beating and begging for it to just stop already. Please! Just end this torment and let me go home. Please De? Please. I miss you so much._

~~~~~~~~~~

**[Sam's Journal]**

_~Saturday, May 14, 2022~_

_You'll never believe what Jody brought me today. A K-9 cop reject. He's a German Shepherd mix named Groot. I think I'll keep him._

_7\. I never said anything, but I wish you were a little more tolerant of my likes and dislikes. That box of cassette tapes in the car were all 100% yours. All your music. On road trips, I had to use ear buds and listen to my music off my cell phone with yours playing in the background. You know why I never complained about the music, or eating crap food most of the time, or you taking showers first, or all the things you did that put me beneath you? It was because that's where I belonged._

_I use to bitch a lot when we first started hunting together. You noticed how I mellowed out after you sold your soul to bring me back to life? I got all kinds of fucked up by demon blood and that demon bitch. I caused so much pain, death and horror to so many people by letting Lucifer out. What right do I have to ask you or anyone for any kind of comfort? I went to hell, but that wasn't enough. I lost my soul, but you got it back for me. So, I stopped having any desire to want anything for myself anymore. At least I thought I did._

_The only thing I really ever wanted and still want right now is you._

~~~~~~~~~~

**[Sam's Journal]**

_~Sunday, May 15, 2022~_

_It's strange waking up to a warm body beside me that isn't you. I hope you don't mind a dog sleeping with me on your bed. I dare you to come back and say something. I know you won't._

_Groot's a good dog. He gets his leash when he needs to go outside. He likes to go on morning jogs with me, too. If I could get him to fetch you from heaven, we'd be all set._

_On to the list..._

_8\. I was jealous of the relationship you had with mom. You had her the first 4 years of your life. I had her for the first 6 months of mine. I have no memory of her from when I was a child. As adults, she bonded with you after you saved her from Toni Bevell's mind fuckery. Sure, she and I got to know each other, but she got close to you. When she called, she called you. I felt more like a son-in-law to her rather than her own flesh and blood. Maybe that was for the best. Getting close to her might have screwed me up way worse than I already am._

_9\. This isn't something I could have told you before you died, but it's something you don't know yet. Your car sat in the garage untouched for months. I kept hoping for a miracle. Once it got close to a year, I got angry. (I'm still angry.)_

_I sharpened my demon blade and went after the leather in the back seat. I cursed Dad for getting us into hunting. Leaving us alone in motels for weeks and months on end while we weren't even teenagers yet! Getting drunk and going after us with a belt over the most petty bullshit because Azazel killed his wife! Never thinking that we were just as fucked up over losing our mom!_

_I sharpened that damned knife that I kept from that demon bitch that ruined my life. I stared tearing up the front seats. I cursed the moment I got into that black demon car and left Jessica alone. I should have stayed or at least warned her. I lashed out and shredded that blood stained leather. Those seats have drank down gallons of Winchester blood and still wanted more! She won't get another drop! Not my blood or anyone else's. All those hunts we barely made it back alive. The time I drove your dead body to Bobby's to get you properly buried after the hell hound destroyed you. I also drove your dead body from Detroit to the bunker crying the whole way home._

_Your Baby was a car that brought you memories of joy. It brought me pain!_

_After shredding the seats, I took a sledge hammer to the exterior. I crumpled her down like an empty beer can! You loved that car like she was a woman. I admit there was a time I loved her too, because she gave us shelter when we didn't have any._

_Memories of you putting that car back together piece by piece angered me further. After dad died, I needed you and all you wanted to do was put that fucking car back together. It was the same thing after the Darkness damaged the car. Instead of talking to me, you went to the garage and fixed the car._

_You honestly think I want anything to do with that car anymore now that you're not here?_

_I sold it to a junk yard for scrap. I half ass expected the damn thing to fix itself, like in the book "Christine", and come after me with the song "Highway to Hell" playing on her stereo._

_Sorry._

_I got to take Groot out._

~~~~~~~~~~

**[Monday, May 16, 2022]**   
**[Office of Dr. Robert L. Christian]**

Sam puts the silver bullet the doctor gave back to him in his pocket. He sits on the sofa and waits for the doctor to finish reading his journal.

The doctor makes a few notes in his binder. He smiles, "You have a dog now."

Sam smiles some. "Yeah. He's a hand full."

"I bet. He's going to be good for you. Pets make great therapy companions. They listen and don't have any opinion either way on what you're telling them. Best of all, they keep your secrets." The doctor is still grinning.

Sam is remembering when Dean took a potion to talk with dogs and solve a murder mystery. A dog named Colonel saw the murderer and gave Dean the answers they needed. Come to think about it, Groot looks a lot like Colonel.

"Sam?"

"Sorry. Remembering a case my brother and I went on."

"Involving dogs?"

Sam nods with a smile. "And a very bad shapeshifter that used shaman magic and animal parts to gain their attributes. Owl eyes for their eye sight, for instance."

The doctor looks as grossed out as Sam was.

The doctor pats Sam's journal. "I see you destroyed Dean's most prized possession. After it was taken away to be crushed, how did you feel?"

Sam shakes his head. "This might seem crazy." Sam rolls his eyes and runs his hand through his hair. "Baby's in heaven with Dean now."

The doctor's eyebrows go up. "So... you...what? Killed the car and sent it to heaven?"

Sam stands up and starts pacing. "Look, I know the car is just metal, plastic and rubber. I get that." He thinks about how to make his thoughts clear.

He stops pacing. "The car's no longer with me. Okay? Nobody else can ever own it or any piece of it. No one will ever be able to drive it again. Unless you're in heaven and your name's Dean Winchester."

The doctor nods. "You want to talk about your mother?"

Sam shakes his head. "Not much to talk about. God's sister brought her back to life so Dean could say whatever he needed to say to her. I think she should have never come back. All she did was suffer heartache and hunt monsters."

"She got to know her adult sons." The doctor sits back in his chair.

"Did she? She never asked me about my relationships and why they failed. What it was like for me to be addicted to demon blood. She never asked me how I got the strength to overpower Lucifer when he possessed me and I force him back into his cage in hell. She read the same journal you did. She never asked me about anything in that book. My brother dying in my arms over and over again because of an archangel trying to give me a thicker skin. Now, here I am in that moment when my brother is gone. I'm an extremely well seasoned 39 year old hunter. I still feel like that 25 year old boy standing in front of Gabriel telling him I need my brother back. I can't do this without him. Nothing's changed in 14 years and it'll never change, doc."

"I think your mom knew that Dean was your anchor. Dean replaced her in your life and there was no room left for her. If you'll be honest with yourself, you know you didn't really want a relationship with her because you already have a mom, dad, brother, best friend, spouse and everything you'd ever want or need in Dean. Am I right?" He waits for Sam to answer.

Sam sits back down and thinks a bit. "I have no idea how much Dean told her. She was very perceptive. She knew I relied on my brother, but I never shunned her. She chose to not have a relationship with me. I opened my self up and she always went to Dean. I just accepted it. Better she had half of us than neither of us."


	4. After Fourth Session - Hospitalization

**[Sam's Journal]**

_~Monday, May 16, 2022~_

_I saw Dr. Christian again. Usually I feel a little better after our talks. I don't today. He had me talking about mom. You know I tried with her. She just never really saw me as her son and I had a hard time seeing her as my mom. Another notch on Azazel's score card, right?_

_I'm going hunting tonight. I need to burn off some steam. There's a case in Telluride, Colorado. Looks like a possible Wendingo. People are missing and a man turned up dead. He was mauled beyond recognition._

~~~~~~~~~~

**[Sam's Journal]**

_~Tuesday, May 17, 2022~_

_I made it to Telluride in less than 9 hours. I was able to drive faster than I thought. I saved a lot of gas installing the magical fuel injectors into Cas's Dodge truck. A drive of over 650 miles in a truck like this would normally cost $85 or more. It only cost me $10. The Men of Letters were ahead of their time._

_I missed having my brother beside me on road trips. It would have been nice having Cas with me. He's in the Empty though with a lot of other angels I use to know. Including my son, but I'm not suppose to talk about him or I could end up in the Empty. I wouldn't want that. So, I'll just STFU._

_I really like Colorado this time of year. There's snow, but it's nice._

_Found a motel that allows dogs. I'll go researching after I get some rest._

~~~~~~~~~~

**[Sam's Journal]**

_~Wednesday, May 18, 2022~_

_Four campers have gone missing in the past month. Nothing unusual about any of the missing people. They are all young and physically fit._

_I bought a vest for Groot that says he's a search and rescue dog. No one will know any different. I made a badge for myself as a K-9 Search and Rescue officer from Kansas. I'm just here to volunteer my services. (Maybe find your missing people, dead or alive. Also, kill the wendigo in your forest. You're welcome.)_

_I'll let you know what I find. I love you De._   
__________________________________________

_Day one was a bust. I think the area they believe the campers vanished from isn't where they actually were. I'll search a new area tomorrow._

~~~~~~~~~~

**[Sam's Journal]**

_~Thursday, May 19, 2022~_

_I had a good breakfast and so has Groot. We're ready to go find this wendingo's lair._

~~~~~~~~~~

_**12 Days Pass** _

~~~~~~~~~~

**[Sam's Journal]**

_~Tuesday, May 31, 2022~_

_I know it's been over 10 days. I have a story to tell, but I need my rest._

~~~~~~~~~~

**[Sam's Journal]**

_~Wednesday, June 1, 2022~_

_Groot saved my life and the lives of 2 others. We found the lair. I was able to shoot at the creature with my flair gun, but missed. Groot distracted it long enough for me to reload. I shot it, but the damn thing got me good. I was able to cut one of the campers free before I passed out. I woke up in the hospital over a week later. I was told Groot led one of the campers out of the woods to get help._

_All of that was amazing. It was a miracle that we survived. They nearly starved or died from thirst. I nearly died from loss of blood and I hurt my head._

_While I was in a coma, I was with Dean._

_I was stuck in the veil. (A place between life and death.) I walked around the hospital and saw reapers taking people to the other side. They were all ignoring me. I saw my friend Jody Mills come to visit me with my hero, Groot. She looked sad._

_I saw the rescued campers come to visit me._

_I then heard his voice. I looked around, but couldn't see him. I searched everywhere. He was calling to me, "Sammy! Sammy!!" I finally saw him. He was leaning against the driver's side door of his black Impala. He didn't look a day over 25 and had on our dad's leather jacket. I knew I was in a dream. I've had enough of dreaming. I told him to go away._

_That's when he changed. He suddenly became the man I remembered him to be. A rough and stern hunter in his 40's, with his eyes wrinkled at the edges. He's wearing his softest blue flannel shirt that I loved holding him in._

_I couldn't believe it was him. He pulled me into his arms and I lost it. I held on to him like he'd disappear any minute. I begged him not to leave me again. He wiped away my tears and told me how much he loves me. He actually said it. No innuendos or jokes about chick flick moments. He kissed me and made me feel truly loved._

_He told me he's watching me from heaven. I asked him how and he told me he sits in his well stocked "Dean Cave" and watches me like he's watching a reality show on TV. I told him to change the channel and watch anything but me. I'm pathetic without him._

_He kissed me and held me. Told me he's with me all the time. I called him a liar. I placed his hand on my chest over my heart. Told him how empty I feel without him._

_He told me he doesn't want me to be alone any more. I have to leave the bunker and go find friends. Lock the bunker up and go back to college. Do something, but don't waste away and wither like one of those ugly heads of lettuce we leave in the crisper too long._

_He made a good point. I teased him about calling me an ugly head of lettuce._

_He kissed me so passionately. He begged me to stop dying and start living. Live for the both of us._

_I held him in my arms. He held me. We kissed for a while and I laid my head on his shoulder. Told him how much I love him and always will. He told me I'll always be his and he'll always be mine. He'll be in our heaven waiting for me, but I need to take my time. He's okay and he's happy as long as I'm happy. I said I'd work on being happy, but no promises._

_He held me and I somehow fell asleep while standing there in his arms. Next thing I know, I'm waking up in the hospital._

_I have a ton of stitches in my upper leg where the wendigo ripped me open. Someone must have put a tourniquet on my leg or I would've bled to death for sure. I guess I hit my head as well. All I know is I'm ready to get out of this damn hospital._

~~~~~~~~~~

**[Sam's Journal]**

_~Thursday, June 2, 2022~_

_Trina and Mark came to see me. They were the survivors captured by the wendingo. I was able to free Mark before I passed out. He saved my life._

_After Trina left my room, Mark came back in with a potted philodendron plant. He told me he didn't want to make Trina feel bad because she didn't bring anything. I told him he didn't have to._

_Mark sat with me and we talked for quite a while. We have a lot in common._

~~~~~~~~~~

**[Sam's Journal]**

~Friday, June 3, 2022~

_Mark Icarus is 32 years old. He just finished his bachelor year at Western Colorado University in Gunnison, CO. His major was computer science, information security. He's enrolled for classes again next year. I told him I went to Stanford, but didn't finish. He was impressed and asked why I never finished. I explained about dad going missing and then my girlfriend died. He said there's no better time than now to finish what I started. Thing is, I don't want to be a lawyer any more. Of course, he suggested his university would be an excellent school for me to attend. I think almost any university would be good for me at this point._

_Mark brought me dinner. Saved me from having a hospital made turkey dinner that's not bad, but not good either. Mark brought me an amazing salad he made himself. It even had home grown tomatoes, cucumbers, grilled chicken, pecans, diced apples and a strawberry vinaigrette dressing. For dessert he gave me 2 home made chocolate chip and pecan cookies made with carob chips. He said his mother comes to visit him from Texas and brings him bags of pecans from her pecan trees. He cooks with them a lot and gives a lot of cookies away to friends._

_Mark's really good at baking cookies. He's also a good friend to have. I'm glad I came to Colorado with Groot and saved his life._

~~~~~~~~~~

**[Sam's Journal]**

_~Saturday, June 4, 2022~_

_I'm being released from the hospital today. Jody's coming to get me. She and Alex drove my truck back to the bunker and have been taking care of Groot for me. Luckily I had checked out of the motel before going out into the woods after that wendigo. So, I didn't have that to worry about._

_Jody will have Groot with her. So, we'll go straight from the hospital to the bunker._

_Mark just left my room. He gave me his address and phone number. I'll keep in touch with him._

_I have Trina's information too, but she only came by that one time to thank me for finding and saving her. She's got a family of her own. Two teenagers and an ex-husband. She was camping with her boyfriend who got killed by the wendingo. I felt bad for her. Maybe because I truly know the pain she's going through. Losing the man you love makes you someone others can't relate to unless they've been there themselves. If they've been there themselves, they don't make good company. Just my opinion._   
__________________________________________

_I'm home. You should have seen Groot when he saw me. He was so excited! We were both really happy to be back home._

_I couldn't thank Jody enough for everything she does for me. She's my best friend right now._

_I really need to take some time and re-evaluate my life. Decide what I really want to do with my future. I just know that I can't continue doing what I'm doing. Supposedly, Dean's watching me._

~~~~~~~~~~

**[Sam's Journal]**

_~Sunday, June 5, 2022~_

_I called Dr. Christian's office and confirmed my appointment for tomorrow with his answering service. Jody knows I've been seeing him and was kind enough to call his office while I was in a coma. I got a gift basket and a "get well soon" card from the doc, which was very generous and unexpected. I'll need to remember to thank him._

_It was good seeing you again Dean. I wish I could ask your opinion on things. Should I go back to college or go on the road hunting? Should I call Mark? Would you be mad if I told you I really liked Mark? How mad would you be if I told you I was thinking about going to school in Colorado? Don't get pissed off just yet. I haven't decided anything. I'm just thinking about my options. Unfortunately, being in your arms isn't one of them. Since I know you're watching me though, I think I'll give you more candid shots of me. Turn your reality TV into HBO or maybe even motel quality porn. Ha ha ha!!_

_Seriously. I do want to make you proud of me. I'll get busy living again. I just need to decide what I want to get busy doing. If I go back to school, what do I study? Computers? History? Literature? Criminal Justice? Diet and Exercise? Too bad I can't major in monsters, angels and demons. I'd ace my classes and become a freakin professor on the subject within a year. I guess there's Kendrick's school in England, but we won't even think about that. It's like Hogwarts from hell. I'll never understand the BMOL and their cruelty._

_Anyway, it's getting late. I still need to take Groot for a walk and do the rest of my chores. Love you De. I miss you more than you'll ever know._


	5. The Fifth Session

**[Monday, June 6, 2022]**   
**[Office of Dr. Robert L. Christian]**

Sam shakes the doctor's hand. "I appreciate you allowing me to bring Groot."

Dr. Christian is kneeling down to pet the excited dog. "I'm glad you brought him. I love pets of all kinds. Especially heroes like Groot." He stands up and takes a seat. Uses his hand sanitizer before handling his binder and pen. Groot got his drool all   
over him giving kisses and licking his hands. 

He takes Sam's journal, as usual, and reads it. He makes notes in his binder. He holds on to the journal for the moment. "How are you physically? Are you healing okay?"

Sam pets his dog while talking to the doctor. "I'm still sore. My stitches come out soon. I'll take them out myself."

"Tell me about Cas." The doctor sits back and crosses his legs.

Sam misses him. "Did you read about Castiel in my dad's journal?"

The doctor thinks and looks at his notes. I just have a note that says his name with an "A" beside it telling me he's an angel. My note also tells me he's a close friend of your brother's."

"He was also my friend. Angels don't go to heaven when they die. They go to the Empty. It's a void that's controlled by an entity known as the Shadow. Only reason I know about this is because Cas went to the Empty and escaped it once. He told me and Dean about it." Sam sighs.

"Why can't he escape this time. Does it have something to do with your son?"

Sam's eyes get big. "We can't talk about that."

"May I at least ask why it's off limits?" The doctor makes notes.

Sam shakes his head. He refuses to say anything further.

The doctor writes on a piece of paper, _"Is the Shadow watching or listening to us right now?"_ He hands the paper to Sam with a pen.

Sam reads the paper and just shrugs. This tells the doctor that Sam does in fact believe the Shadow could be listening and maybe even watching him right now. Sam won't risk speaking about this forbidden topic while he knows this entity might be watching.

The doctor writes another note and hands it to Sam. Sam reads it. _"Whatever this forbidden topic is, write about it and then burn it. It will help you. I'll say nothing more."_ Sam crumples up the piece of paper. "Thank you."

"Can you tell me more about Cas?"

Sam tells the doctor how Dean met Castiel for the first time in a barn with Bobby. He tells the story of Cas "raising Dean from perdition" after Dean went to hell because he sold his soul.

"Cas was always a bit odd, but he changed over the years. He rebelled against his father, God, and helped us when he knew he shouldn't have. He became very close friends with me after he saved me from Lucifer's cage and took on the damage he caused by leaving my soul behind." Sam explained everything. 

"Cas is in the Empty right now because he was an angel capable of experiencing love and all the emotions angels shouldn't be able to feel. He also had a family that didn't have wings. A family not by blood, but by choice."

"Did Cas influence other angels to do as he did?"

Sam smiles. "Yes. I was proud of him for it, but soon the angels tried to put him in a position of leadership. He never wanted that role again." Sam explained when Cas played God and killed countless numbers of angels and what Cas believed were self righteous humans. Cas released monsters known as leviathan. The leviathan ended up killing countless numbers of people, angels and monsters. Dean killed the leader of the leviathan sending all of the leviathan to purgatory along with himself and Cas.

"That's the story I read in your dad's journal about you meeting Amelia after hitting the dog." The doctor continues making notes in his binder.

"Yes." Sam still hasn't forgiven himself for not looking for Dean while he was in purgatory.

"Alright. Your task this week is to call Mark. I know he lives in Colorado, but from what I read in your journal he'd be a good friend to talk to. Get to know him better. Text him. He knows about wendingos, so he knows your profession. Right?"

Sam smiles. "Right."

"You should smile more. It increases your face value." The doctor closes his binder. "Just a suggestion. You could write your life story as a book."

Sam has a good laugh. "My story has already been published. You can find it in paperback on the internet. Look up the book series "Supernatural" by Carver Edlund. Carver Edlund is a ghost writer's name for Chuck Shurley. Chuck was God. Those paperbacks have the life story of me and my brother written down perfectly. Chuck called them "The Winchester Gospels". The incest between us is the only thing he omitted." Sam doesn't go into the reasons Chuck had to die, and the doctor doesn't ask.

The doctor opens his binder and makes a note of what Sam just told him. "I'm happy to see you're recovering well." He stands up.

Sam stands up and takes Groot's leash. Groot stands next to him. Sam shakes the doctor's hand. "Thank you."

"I'll see you both next week." The doctor smiles as he releases Sam's hand and walks him and Groot out the door.

~~~~~~~~~~

**[Sam's Journal]**

_~Monday, June 6, 2022~_

_I checked my phone and found 5 text messages from Mark that I haven't read. The first two were simple greetings. Him wishing me well. The third was him wanting to know if he was being too pushy. The fourth was him saying he'll back off and wait to hear from me. The fifth one was the best._

_He wrote: "Fuck backing off. Either you want my friendship or you don't. If I don't hear from you today by text, I'm going to call you. I miss you. There, I said it. Now text me or call me. I can't believe I'm pressing send, but I need to hear from you this much. Don't leave me hanging."_

_Can you believe this guy's text?_

_I'm going to text him this: "Sorry for not texting you sooner. Just got back from my shrink. I'm doing good. Go ahead and call me. Doesn't matter how late."_

_If he texts or calls right away, he's into me. Meaning he has a crush on me. I know he's gay and I don't mind that. Hell, I've been with by brother for years. (Just thinking that, and then writing it, hurt my chest. It affected my ability to breathe.) I'm hoping he calls me back right away._

_If he calls or texts me several minutes or an hour later he's into me, but not as much as I thought._

_If he waits until tomorrow to call or text me... Let's just say I really misunderstood his texts._

_I sent the text. Let's see what happens._

________________________________________

_He called me within 30 minutes of my text._

_He said he wants to see me again. He knows I live in Kansas, but he has no idea where. I asked if he was asking me out. He hesitated and thought about my question before asking me to meet him somewhere, of my chosing, to have dinner. He said he's asking me out as a friend and if something more comes of it, then so be it. He finds me fascinating and wants to spend time with me._

_My dilemma, besides still being irrevocably, unconditionally and irrationally in love with my dead brother, is that Mark's younger than me (Not enough for me to be his dad, but still.), he's not part of my hunter/supernatural world, he'd become a major target for every nasty evil that wants me dead and then there's the Winchester curse. How could I even consider having Mark as a temporary lover knowing the things I do about what happens to those in my life?_

_In all honesty, I should have been in Dean's arms and died with him._

~~~~~~~~~~

**[Sam's Journal]**

_~Tuesday, June 7, 2022~_

_Mark surprised me with a link to a YouTube video. He plays acoustic guitar and sings. He has his own video channel and a lot of viewers. The video he had me listen to he dedicated to a friend. He didn't say who. The song was touching. It was about his near death experience. Someone reaching into the darkness among the dead to bring him back to life._

_I called him and told him how much I enjoyed his song. I listened to his other songs and they were also really good. He invited me to see him perform tomorrow night in Kansas City. I told him I'll be there. He's holding a ticket for me._

_I'm nervous. Groot will need to stay at the vet's tomorrow. I already made arrangements._

~~~~~~~~~~

**[Sam's Journal]**

_~Wednesday, June 8, 2022~_

_Going to Kansas City. Took Groot to the vet. I hope I'm not making a mistake._

  
~~~~~~~~~~

**[Sam's Journal]**

_~Thursday, June 9, 2022~_

_I went to see Mark perform yesterday. He's really good._

_We had a late night dinner together. Pizza and wine in his hotel room. We talked for hours. He got up the courage to kiss me and I kissed him back. We got a bit heated and he acted like he wanted more. I told him I wasn't ready. He knew why._

_"It's because of Dean." He said._

_I was floored. "What do you know about Dean?" I asked._

_He said he knew everything. He proceeded to tell me he's a psychic. A real 100% legit psychic. He convinced me he was legit when he told me all about my brother. Things he could never have known. He knew about the black Impala. The times Dean died bloody in my arms, but always came back to me. He even understood that Dean was my soul mate and my brother. He saw Dean die in an explosion and asked me why._

_I tried to get up and leave. I didn't want to have to explain. He grabbed my hand and asked me to stay. Something inside me knew it would be okay if I stayed._

_He apologized for being so forward about his ability, but he wanted to be honest and not hide anything any longer. I appreciated that._

_I asked if he could see into the future. He said he could. That's how he knew he had to find me. He couldn't just let me go. He saw us together._

_I asked about the wendingo and the woods. He had to know he was going to be attacked. He said he did, but if he didn't go into the woods I would have bled out and died. He couldn't let that happen._

_I got angry. I yelled, "What if it was my destiny to die and finally be with my soul mate!"_

_You know what he said? Mark started crying. He said, "Dean begged me to save you!"_

_What?! Mark was talking to my brother! He said Dean was visiting his dreams for days prior to his camping trip._

_I felt scared. Mark knew way too much about me and Dean. I knew very little about him. He apologized for scaring me. We were having a fairly nice evening up until he freaked me out._

_I thought about leaving, but he looked so sad and remorseful. Like he regretted telling me anything. All he did was tell me the truth._

_I went and sat next to him on the bed. I had him tell me more about himself and his last relationship. His family and where he grew up. I learned as much as I could about him._

_I ended up falling asleep in his arms. It wasn't planned, but it was nice. I was telling him that I'm cursed and he should run from me. He laughed and kissed me. We kissed for only a short while and I started crying. He held me in his arms and I must have cried myself to sleep in his arms._

_I woke up with my head on his chest. He touched my cheek and said, "Good morning sunshine." The same way Dean would._

_I quickly got up and headed for the door. Mark has called me many times. I sent him texts telling him I'm okay and need time to think. He's being a bit persistent._

_I never should have stayed the night._

~~~~~~~~~~

**[Sam's Journal]**

_~Friday, June 10, 2022~_

_7am_

_Today's a bad day. Mark brought out all those old feelings in me. I told him to stop texting me._   
________________________________________

_11:30am_

_Jody showed up an hour ago with a dozen red long stem roses in a beautiful vase and a letter for me from Mark. I didn't read it. I just set it down next to the vase on the table._

_Jody told me she was already on her way to see me, which I found hard to believe until she handed me a rolled up parchment._

_It's a map that was buried beneath a house that was demolished somewhere within her jurisdiction. The people demolishing the home called the sheriff and gave it to her. The date on the map shows April 1724. A lot of the wording is in Latin. She thought it would be something I'd be interested in. She asked If I could tell what the map was leading to._

_I looked at the old parchment for a little bit and all I could make out was "Flanagan's Treasure" written on the top, "Deadly Trail of Teeth" over one area and "Beneath The Bodies" over another area. It really made no sense. There's writing on it that I'll need to take time to clean up and really look at. I might not ever decipher it, but the map's very intriguing. I promised her I'd call her once I could make sense out of it. IF I made sense out of it._

_She told me to call Mark first. He's really upset over something. She has no idea what, but he looked like he really could use a friend. I saw her gesture toward the flowers and letter, but she said nothing more. I was grateful._   
________________________________________

_10:30pm_

_Mark hasn't tried texting or calling all day. He respected my request to leave me be._

_I read the letter. Apologies. Promises to never bring up my brother again. Words of sincere feelings and longing to be a part of my life if only I'd take the chance. He's not dismissing the curse. He tells me I'm worth the risk. He has no idea. Dean was cursed as we loved each other. He died over and over again, but always came back. Always. Until he killed God._

_If Mark dies, he won't come back like Dean did. He'll just be another death I have to suffer with. He might be willing to risk it. I'm not._

~~~~~~~~~~

**[Sam's Journal]**

_~Saturday, June 11, 2022~_

_I had a dream about Mark last night. He came to my room and crawled into bed with me. At first I told him to go. He started crying and I lost it. We held each other and I loved him. I gave in to my need to feel something and I caressed him in a way I haven't done in years. We were passionate, yet we never took our clothes off. After a while, I realized we were both giving and taking what we needed from each other. I haven't been able to do this with anyone other than Jessica and Dean._

_Mark looked into my eyes and apologized. He said, "Forgive me for not leaving you alone as you asked."_

_I insisted that he has left me alone._

_He kisses me and says, "I'm in your dreams. Please let me be a part of your life and not just a part of your dreams."_

_I wake up with tears in my eyes and miss him all day. Not nearly as much as I miss Dean._   
________________________________________

_The university called. Wanted to know about a creature that has fangs and cat's eyes. I asked a lot of questions. Found out the creature is traveling with a companion just like her. I explained what Vetala were and how to capture them without being bit or hit by their venom which they love to spit. They are super strong, agile and cunning. Like snakes, they can sense movement around them from any direction. They strike hard and fast. Once venom hits your system, you will become powerless. Only way to kill one is with a silver blade jabbed into their heart and twisted._   
________________________________________

_I called Mark. I couldn't take it anymore. I honestly miss him. We agreed to meet here. If I'm going to have Mark in my life, he needs to see it all._

~~~~~~~~~~

**[Sam's Journal]**

_~Sunday, June 12, 2022~_

_Mark makes it to the GPS location I gave him. The Men of Letters bunker. He calls me when he arrives and I go outside to meet him. I greeted him with a hug and a kiss that was more passionate than I had planned. I brought him inside and he was amazed just as everyone is who sees the bunker for the first time._

_After showing him around, we sit down to a dinner casserole that I prepared._

_He brought an overnight bag, so I showed him to a spare room._

_He asked to see my room. I showed him my room, but explained it was mine and Dean's room. He understood._

_He pulled me into the hall and kissed me. Told me he wanted to make love to me. I let my walls come down. Not just for Mark, but for myself and Dean. Dean told me he wants me to find happiness. Mark makes me happy._

_We went into the room I gave Mark and we made love nice and slow._

_Mark wasn't Dean and never tried to be. Amazingly, I never wished he was Dean. Sure, he topped and did everything the way Dean would, but he wasn't anything like Dean in the way he felt, moved, smelled, touched, tasted, sounded or spoke to me. I didn't make love to Mark the way I did with Dean. I gave of myself, but not completely and I think he could sense that, but he never said anything about it._

_I know now that I love Mark, but it's a different kind of love than I had for Dean. I'll never have that kind of love again._

_That night as I slept in Mark's arms, I had a nightmare. Dean was burning on the ceiling and I couldn't get to him. A yellow eyed demon was laughing at me. I woke up screaming. Mark held me as I cried myself back to sleep. He never asked me about my nightmare. Being psychic, he probably saw it and felt sorry for me._

_I invited him to stay with me for as long as he likes. I enjoy his company. He said he has school. He's invited me to college. Says I need to get out of this rabbit hole I live in. I think he's right._


	6. The Sixth Session

**[Monday, June 13, 2022]**   
**[Office of Dr. Robert L. Christian]**

Sam shakes the doctor's hand and takes a seat on the sofa.

"Where's Groot?" The doctor takes Sam's journal as he sits down in his own chair.

"He's in the waiting room with Mark." Sam grins.

"Really?" Dr. Christian smiles.

Sam nods.

The doctor pics up Sam's journal and reads it quickly like he usually does. "Well. It looks like you're stepping out of your comfort zone."

Sam nods. "Yeah. I really like Mark."

"Does Mark know everything?" The doctor is making notes.

"He's psychic. I think he knows way more than he's letting on. To answer your question, I haven't told him everything." Sam is twitching his leg nervously.

"Are you going to tell him?"

Sam swallows hard. "Yes. I'll do it right away."

"Good. I think he'll be understanding. Once you tell him everything, the nightmares should subside." He studies Sam's body language. "Are you alright?"

"I should be just great. I still miss my brother deeply. It's affecting how I relate to Mark. He knows about Dean and that he's my brother, lover and soulmate. He just doesn't know about Dean killing God or how serious my Winchester curse truly is. I'm expecting Mark to fall dead any minute." Sam sighs.

"Open up to Mark. Tell him about those who have died from the curse. Be completely open with him. If he leaves after you tell him everything, so be it. If he insists on staying, my professional opinion is that you should go back to college young man." The doctor smiles. "Stay in your own apartment or dorm. Have your relationship with Mark and finish your education. Try to put your past in the past where it belongs and build a new future."

"That sounds good." Sam smiles.

The doctor gives him his journal back. "Instead of writing to Dean, I want you to write to your future self. Tell him the things you expect of him. Tell him the things you wish you had done differently and things you plan to improve on. Don't let yourself get into a pity party session, but let your future self know there are things you've done that you expect your future self to never repeat."

Sam just nods.

"Are you okay with this?" The doctor hopes Sam's not regretting this assignment already.

"It's fine. Just thinking about moving to Colorado. It'll be as if I'm leaving Dean behind." Sam's feeling melancholy.

"You won't. Remember that he's not in a place or a thing. He's in you. He always will be, Sam."

Sam tears up some. "Thanks."

The doc gives him the tissue box and he takes it. Uses a couple to blot his eyes. He can hear his brother calling him a bitch and it makes him smile. "Am I weird to feel comforted by these emotions?"

"Not at all. It's your personal connection to the one you love that can't be near right now. Everyone is different. The triggers might change over time. Your reactions might change, but you'll always feel the same." He smiles.

Sam gets his composure back. "Thank you." He gets up and takes his journal.

The doctor gets up, "Next week I'd like to meet Mark. If you're okay with it, and he's willing, bring him with you." The doctor smiles. "Bring Groot as well."

Sam smiles. "Will do."

~~~~~~~~~~

**[Sam's Journal]**

_~Monday, June 13, 2022~_

_I'm suppose to write to my future self. Hi future me. Sorry I fucked up our life so bad. I should have took the blue pill! I'd be lying if I didn't say I want out of this matrix. I want out. I want to be in heaven with Dean._

_So, future Sam. You're still here and that's great. If you ever get the chance to go back in time and grab Dean as he blows himself and Chuck up, I would not hate you._

~~~~~~~~~~

**[Sam's Journal]**

_~Tuesday, June 14, 2022~_

_I'd be lying if I said I don't miss Cas. He had a way of making me smile without trying. Team Free Will. Me, Dean and Cas doing everything we could to make this world safe for everyone. I think we succeeded. There aren't any more big bad deities or monsters out to destroy the world. Because of Dean's sacrifice, Chuck can't create more worse and horrible creatures to attack us._

_Sam, find a way to forgive yourself. Stop hating yourself for killing Lilith and trusting Ruby. You'd think after all these years you'd have let all that go, but you know that's where it all started. When you broke that seal and freed Lucifer, that was your worst act. You condemned so many people to die. Just remember that you were manipulated and lied to. You won't ever let that happen again, but you have to learn to trust someone. Trust yourself beyond all else. Trust your instincts. Trust your closest friends, like Jody and Donna. Maybe Mark, if he remains faithful and honest._

_Mark._

_I hope he and I work out. I really do._

~~~~~~~~~~

**[Sam's Journal]**

_~Wednesday, June 15, 2022~_

_Groot and I drove to Colorado. We're going to stay with Mark for a few days so I can check out the college. It was a long drive._

~~~~~~~~~~

**[Sam's Journal]**

_~Thursday, June 16, 2022~_

_Mark and I made love again._

_Dean was a romantic at times. Mostly he was just a passionate lover._

_He loved me so thoroughly and completely that I felt like I was always submerged in his warmth and protection._

_Until the moment I saw a hell hound rip him to pieces right in front of me, I never thought that this feeling I had for him could be altered in any way. Watching Dean die that first time let me feel exactly what Dean felt the moment I died in his arms. That's the moment I knew for sure that I'd never love a living soul as deeply or as completely as I love Dean._

_When Dean died that first time, I felt so much rage and resentment. Just like now._

_The difference between then and now is: Back then he went to hell and I did everything I could to save him. I thought drinking demon blood and getting stronger would help. I also believed the demon Ruby would help me get Dean back. Of course she lied and of course we killed her._

_When Dean died this last time, it wasn't a demon deal. It wasn't just to save me. He killed God to save the world and now he's in heaven. He's not being tortured or in any kind of hell. He's waiting for me. I'm angry and regret not dying with him, but at least I know for fact where he is._

_Sorry, I'm rambling. I'm nervous because I'm going to tell Mark everything. He's going to know my whole story and it frightens me more than facing a whole room full of hungry vampires._

~~~~~~~~~~

**[Sam's Journal]**

_~Friday, June 17, 2022~_

_Mark made a wonderful breakfast. Afterward he suggested taking Groot for a walk in the park. I told him we needed to talk._

_I took Groot outside to do his business. When I came back in Mark had pillows and blankets piled up on the huge sectional sofa in his living room. The morning sun was coming in through the front windows and everything looked inviting and perfect. He even had some kind of floral scented oil warmer going that had the room smelling nice. The warm surroundings he created really helped to calm my nerves._

_He lounged on the sofa and had me lounge on him, on the sofa. His arms were around me as I told him my story._

_I had trouble telling him about my addiction to demon blood. That was nothing compared to having to tell him that I was born to be Lucifer's vessel and Dean was born to be Michael's vessel. That was part of Chuck's plan. Have his archangels fight it out on Earth and bring forth the apocalypse or armageddon._

_Mark had a lot of questions. He couldn't believe how many times I've died and came back. Dean died a lot more than me thanks to Gabriel._

_My story telling (and answering Mark's questions) took all day and well into the evening hours. I felt so drained from just the memories of what happened. I also cried a lot._

_I admit that it felt good talking with Mark about what has happened in my life. He kissed me and held me._

_I felt safe with him until he mentioned the name of my son. Mark is truly Psychic. I got to the part of my life story where some bad things happened that I'm not permitted to talk about. Mark just started spewing out details as if he was there. I had to cover his mouth. I begged him to never say his name again. Don't even think about him around me. If I'm thinking of him, ignore my thoughts. I implored him. He had to know why. The reasons why were in my mind and he figured it out for himself. The next thing I knew, he was crying his eyes out and hugging me so tight. I kissed him and comforted him. We comforted each other._

_When I told him I shot God, he asked why I missed. His question confused me at first. I then realized he knew I wasn't aiming to kill him. After all these years I've become very proficient with my gun. I don't miss. I could have hit him right between the eyes, but I didn't. I explained that, at the time, I believed a dead God would mean a dead world. I couldn't kill billions of people just to get even with God. So, I shot him in the shoulder knowing I'd get shot there too. Mark touched my scar. It never healed until after Dean blew God up. Once God was gone, my wound instantly healed and became a scar._

_Then my heart ripped apart as my brother, the love of my life, vanished into nothing._

_He put his hand on my chest and told me he would stitch me back together good as new._

_He's doing a great job so far._

~~~~~~~~~~

**[Sam's Journal]**

_~Saturday, June 18, 2022~_

_We made love again last night. This time it was more intense. Mark's very physical. He lifted me up and scared the hell out of me. Big men, like myself, do not get lifted off our feet by anyone. It takes farm equipment to lift me up off my feet, but Mark did it._

_I'm staying until Monday so I can go to the college and see about enrollment for fall classes._

_I'll call Dr. Christian and reschedule._

~~~~~~~~~~

**[Sam's Journal]**

_~Sunday, June 19, 2022~_

_Mark told me his story._

_I'm at a motel with Groot somewhere between Colorado and Kansas._

_Mark isn't human. I should have known better. I did all the tests. He was unaffected by silver, holy water and salt. That's because he's an angel._

_He let the wendingo capture him so I'd find him. He's been watching me from afar for years._

_What I don't get is his passion. Angels are always so emotionless. They're like Vulcans from Star Trek. All logic and no feeling. Castiel fell from grace and started allowing himself to feel some human emotions. Castiel was human when Metatron stole his grace. That's why he maintained a lot of his human qualities when he got his grace back. Mark is on a whole other level! He's got a very human personality and loads of feelings to go with it, but he hasn't lost any of his angelic grace._

_When I saw Mark's eyes glow and wings rise, I left. He begged me to stay, but he didn't touch me or try to stop me._

_Groot wouldn't stop barking. Maybe he was angry at Mark for his deception like I was._

_I knew something wasn't right, but I wanted this so badly. I wanted him in a way I haven't wanted anyone in a long time._   
________________________________________

_You know he found me? He couldn't enter my motel room due to the blood sigils I put up, but he found me. I even drove 20 miles further south before I found a motel I thought would be far enough away from my path home._

_The Enochian etchings I use to have on my rib cage to hide me from angels would have been helpful. The angel, Gadreel, that possessed me back in 2013 was kind enough to make my bones whole again. That included my rib cage._

_Here I am, 9 years later and I've got another angel trying to possess me. Own me. Make me his pet. First Meg, then Gabriel, then Lucifer, then Gadreel and now Mark. Amazingly, Cas never wanted me. He was too busy riding my Brother's ass. I'm so DONE with angels!_

_I had a blood sigil on the door. As soon as he touched the doorknob of my motel door, my bloody palm slapped the inside of this same door. Right over a blood sigil. Mark went flying across Kansas. I grabbed my bag, hot wired an old pick up truck and hit the road. Sure he could find me, but at least I was moving toward the bunker._

_I made it home without him coming after me again. He's been calling and leaving apology messages on my voice mail. Telling me just how sorry he is for lying to me by omission. I delete his voice mail halfway through without having heard the whole thing._

_I'm so done!_


	7. The Seventh Session

**[Monday, June 20, 2022]**   
**[Office of Dr. Robert L. Christian]**

Sam walks into Dr. Christian's office and finds Mark sitting on the doctor's sofa waiting on him.

The doctor stands up to greet Sam. "You're here." He smiles. "Mark got here just a minute before you. He was telling me the two of you had a falling out?"

Sam looks at Mark as he speaks to the doctor. "I want him out of here. This is MY time with MY doctor."

Dr. Christian is about to ask Mark to leave when Sam pulls out an angel blade and rushes up placing it against Mark's neck. 

"Do it!" Mark tilts his head back.

"Why won't you leave me alone?" Sam doesn't lower his blade.

Mark speaks with conviction, "Because I love you and I know you still love me, too."

Sam's anger rises further, "That's where you're wrong."

"SAM DON'T!" The doctor tries stopping him, but he's not quick enough. Both he and Mark underestimated Sam.

Sam puts that angel blade right into Mark's chest.... 

....

"....and that's when I wake up. I can see Mark's face pleading with me as I kill him." Sam's head is in his hands.

The doctor sits forward. "Do you want him dead?"

"No! Of course not. I just can't see him anymore because he lied to me. He's an angel. I can't trust angels."

"You don't believe he might be different?"

"Cas was different and he still betrayed us on many occasions. It doesn't matter if he's different."

The doctor makes notes. He then looks at Sam who's leaning forward on the sofa with his head in his hands. "Call him and tell him why you're not seeing him anymore. Do it now, if you'd like. He needs to know the truth."

Sam scoffs. "It's not him. It's me."

"I didn't say that."

Sam pulls out his cell phone and calls Mark.

Mark picks up after 2 rings. "Sam?"

"Yeah."

"Oh Sam! Please say you've reconsidered! I miss you so much."

Sam gives the doctor a look of concern as he tells Mark, "I just called to let you know that I never want to hear from you or see you ever again. I'm a hunter and I refuse to be in a relationship with an angel."

"Why?" Mark sounds clearly upset. "Was it something I did?"

"No. Mark, I've been with angels before. You're psychic, you should be able to see why I'm telling you to stay away from me. Please respect my wishes. I refuse to be with angels or any celestial being ever again. You need to move on. I wish you all the happiness life has to give."

"SAM WAIT! I know you won't kill me! This could work if you'd give us a chance!"

"Goodbye Mark." Sam ends the call. He's heartbroken, but refuses to cry.

The doctor shakes his head. "You didn't tell him why."

"I told him I'm a hunter and I'd end up killing him." Sam thinks that should end the conversation.

"You and I both know the real reason is that you still love Dean. It hurts too much to give the love left inside of you to anyone other than Dean." He waits for Sam's response.

The doctor's words hit him like a bullet straight through his chest. He even places his hand over his chest where his heart once was before Dean died and shattered it into thousands of pieces. His mouth is dry and he feels lightheaded.

Sam has no idea how long he's been sitting like this with his hand on his chest before the doctor gets his attention.

Dr. Christian is kneeling in front of Sam with a bottle of water. "Sam. Drink some water."

He looks at the doctor's face and sees his worried expression. "Is it time to lock me away yet?"

The doctor puts the water in Sam's hand. "Drink."

Sam drinks the water.

~~~~~~~~~~

**[Sam's Journal]**

_~Monday, June 20, 2022~_

_The good doctor sent me home with some meds. Haven't decided if I'll take them yet. I need to do some more research._

~~~~~~~~~~

**[Sam's Journal]**

_~Tuesday, June 21, 2022~_

_I had a dream about Dean last night. We got into a fist fight and he kicked my ass. Told me I'd never find love again if I didn't give anyone a chance. I told him I only want him. He pushed me away and told me he hated what I did to Mark. I laughed and begged him to do something about it. He vanished and I woke up._

_I'll confess to this journal that I woke up sexually aroused. The thought of Dean fighting me and being angry at me brought back memories of some of our worst fights. Our worst fights ended with us having the most passionate and aggressive make up sex. Memories of Dean forcing me into positions had me reaching climax faster than I expected or wanted. I was hoping to make the memories linger just a bit longer._

_I cried as I showered. I'm not sure if it was for Dean, Mark or both._

~~~~~~~~~~

**[Sam's Journal]**

_~Wednesday, June 22, 2022~_

_I called Mark. He yelled at me and accused me of being way too fucking cruel. I told him he's right. I apologized and ended the call._

~~~~~~~~~~

**[Sam's Journal]**

_~Thursday, June 23, 2022~_

_Mark showed up at the bunker. I wasn't going to let him in, but he insisted. He had something he wanted to give me._

_I invited him inside. We went to the kitchen and I had him sit as I poured us some coffee._

_He sat next to me and took my hand. I couldn't believe what he did next. He put a vial in my hand with a glowing blue substance inside. His grace. I asked him why he was giving me his grace. He said it was the only way he could give me his heart and know that I'd accept it._

_Mark is now human for the first time in his entire existence._

_We spent the rest of the day exploring his humanity. Foods he likes and dislikes. He loves coffee with sugar, no cream. He likes pizza with pepperoni, mushroom and jalapenos. He likes salads, but only ranch dressing. His favorite ice cream from Baskin Robbins is Peanut Butter n' Chocolate. And yes, he sampled every flavor._

_His bodily functions, like urinating and burping, fascinate him. I made him sneeze using pepper from a pepper shaker. He freaked out. Lol! He's seen people sneeze, but experiencing it first hand scared him._

_I held his hand as we walked through a wooded area with Groot and enjoyed nature for a while. He pointed to a yellow and black butterfly and told me it was a Parnassian butterfly that he helped create. He helped his father create a lot of butterflies and other insects. I found that interesting. Mark doesn't seem like the kind of guy who would be creating butterflies, but why would he lie about it?_

_We walked for a while and then he kissed me. His kiss seemed different somehow. I saw him get teary eyed. He says the feelings he has for me are overwhelming. He had no idea what human emotions were truly like until that moment._

_After spending all day together, we went back to the bunker._

_I showed Mark to his own room along with fresh bedding and towels._

_I ended up in his room with my body wrapped around his. I really want to take things slow. Mark has been a perfect gentleman._

~~~~~~~~~~

**[Sam's Journal]**

_~Friday, June 24, 2022~_

_I woke up in Mark's arms and felt alive again._

_I asked if he was sure about being human. He answered by kissing me and telling me he loves me._

_My mind knows he's human now. My subconscious knows he use to be an angel. My heart doesn't seem to care either way._

_I watched him shower this morning. He didn't see me watching him. He's not as graceful as he once was. (No pun intended.) The soap slipped from his hands twice before he saw the body wash. He used way more soap than was necessary, but it was cute. He's used his powers to stay clean for so long, he forgot (or honestly didn't know) a lot of showering basics. Such as washing your hair first to keep shampoo suds off your clean body. Again, he used too much shampoo. At least he smells good._

_After my shower, I went to my room and found him naked on my bed. I didn't over think things, like usual. I just slipped off my robe and crawled on top of him._

_He was disappointed that I shaved off my beard until I placed my lips against his skin and private parts. I missed this. Loving someone. Giving him pleasure and having him love me back._

_We moved slow and purposefully. Touching places we knew would give each other the most pleasure._

_Mark's reactions were different than before, of course. When he pushed himself inside me, I felt him tremble. I heard his breath catch. His eyes were dilated and looking right into my soul. I wrapped my legs around him and we kissed for a while. When he started moving, I swore he was going to go over the edge, but he didn't._

_I haven't felt this connected to another human soul since Dean. As soon as we both reached our piece of heaven, I started crying. Mark held me without saying a word._

_I pulled his grace out from under my pillow and insisted he take it back._

_He told me it was mine now. Said he would forever reject it. Even if I rejected him. When I asked why, he told me:_

_"Once you've tasted heaven, you never want to go back."_

_It's hard to believe that my heaven is in Dean's arms; and Mark's heaven is in mine._

~~~~~~~~~~

**[Sam's Journal]**

_~Saturday, June 25, 2022~_

_We spent the day shopping._

_Mark noticed people giving me horrible looks. He asked about it and I told him._

_I watched Mark pick up a store phone and speak over the store intercom system._

_He told everyone: "You all should know that Dean Campbell died a hero. The reason there wasn't a funeral is because he was blown up in a fiery explosion. There wasn't a body to bury. Dean's brother, Sam, has been silently mourning the loss of his last family member. He has no living realatives and all of you treat him as if he killed the only brother he had. Well, he didn't. Dean's in heaven and Sam just wants to live in peace. I hope all of you will show just a little bit of compassion. Dean would want everyone to treat his brother just as good as you treated him."_

_When Mark hung up the phone, we continued shopping. People forced themselves not to stare at me or Mark. I have to admit that people were a lot nicer._

_We went to the liquor store and David was working behind the counter. He actually smiled at me and asked if he could help me find something. Suddenly, I was a regular customer again._

_We went to the pizza place to pick up a couple pizzas to go. The people there were very kind. It was actually a pleasure going there, unlike my last visit._

_Once we were on the road back to the bunker, I drove several miles before I pulled over and kissed Mark. I mean I really kissed him. I thanked him for helping to make things better for me. We held hands as I drove the rest of the way home._

_As we unloaded the groceries I asked Mark if he had to get back to Colorado for school. He told me he dropped out of his classes. He held my face in his hands and said, "Wherever you are is where I need to be."_

_This revelation has shaken me quite a bit. Mark not only gave up his grace, he's given up his life in Colorado._

~~~~~~~~~~

**[Sam's Journal]**

_~Sunday, June 26, 2022~_

_Mark had me take him to a children's hospital in the middle of the night. He said he's been in the habit of visiting one every Sunday. We wore scrubs and used fake I.D.s to gain access. He took me to the burn unit. I was quite upset by what I saw and heard. I wanted to leave._

_Mark took me into an empty room and asked for his grace. I've been carrying it on a chain around my neck just in case he asked for it. I gave it to him. He poured it into a bottle of Pedialyte. The bottle had a faint glow to it, so he put the bottle in a plastic ice bucket._

_He had me follow him as he went to each room and used his grace to heal these children. He'd only use a small bit on his fingers and touch a child's burned skin. New, undamaged skin instantly formed over the burn wounds or skin grafts._

_He gave me the bottle and I helped heal some of the children. It was truly something beautiful to watch and be a part of._

_I wrote a note stating that these cures were a random act of kindness. Miracles that science won't be able to explain or duplicate. I even stated that these children are all truly blessed because they had an angel watching over them._

_The last child we went to was burned over 90% of her body. (Her parents were talking with doctors in another room.) She was 15 years old and not expected to make it through the night._

_Mark lifted her head gently and removed her breathing tube like a professional. He then slowly and carefully poured the last bit of his grace mixture into her mouth._

_Slowly, her lips and face healed. She started drinking the liquid more easily. Mark started pouring the rest more freely. Her body healed from her head down through her torso to her limbs. She had a glow that the grace of an angel gives as a person is being healed. She opened her eyes once the liquid was gone. She smiled up at Mark and simply said, "Thank you."_

_Mark kissed her forehead and told her to rest. Her parents will be very happy to see that she's okay._

_I gave her the note I had written and instructed her to give it to the doctor._

_We quickly left the hospital, taking the empty bottle of Pedialyte and ice bucket with us._

_Mark confessed that his ability to see the future is gone. He can still see someone's past when he touches them. He can also still hear angel radio. I think that's good._

_We went back to the bunker and made love. This emotional roller coaster has been overwhelming._

_By the way, Groot is a great dog. He didn't chew up anything and held his pee till I got back. He's also warmed up to Mark. Especially now that he's human._


	8. The Eighth Session

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is it. The final chapter. Let me know what you thought of my story by leaving a comment at the end. It does have a rollercoaster ending, but ultimately Sam is happy. I loved writing this, even through all the tears. (And there were a lot of tears.) Thanks so much for sticking it out with me. I love you guys! 💜  
> °○°○°○°○°○°○°○°○°○°○°○°○

**[Monday, June 27, 2022]**   
**[Office of Dr. Robert L. Christian]**

Sam and Mark walk into Dr. Christian's office. Sam having Groot on a leash.

The doctor extends his hand to Mark. "I'm not sure if we've been properly introduced. I'm Doctor Robert Christian."

Mark shakes the doctor's hand, "Hello. I'm Mark Icarus. Nice to finally meet you, Dr. Christian."

"Likewise." The doctor smiles as he bends down to pet Groot. "There's Groot. He's such a wonderful animal. I'm happy you brought him." He stands up and shakes Sam's hand. "You look good, Sam."

Sam smiles as they shake hands. They all take a seat.

Sam hands the doctor his journal. "I'm much better, thanks."

The doctor takes the journal and sets it down. He quickly uses hand sanitizer before picking the journal back up to read it. He explains the sanitizer, "Dog allergies. They aren't bad, but I do get watery eyes and sniffles if dog dander gets near my face. It never stops me from petting them."

Everyone sits patiently as the doctor reads Sam's journal.

"Wow!" The doctor closes the journal with a smile. "Look at the two of you. I'm really happy for you."

Sam's blushing because he knows what he wrote in the journal.

Mark feels Sam's embarrassment and can only guess. Mark never reads Sam's journal.

"Have you taken the medication I prescribed?" The doctor is making notes in his binder.

"Uh. No." Sam is holding Mark's hand. "I'm okay now. I have Mark."

"Mark, how do you feel about Sam?"

Mark doesn't hesitate, "I love him. He's my other half. I know we haven't known each other long, but I feel as if I've known him my whole life."

The doctor is as blunt as Mark, "As an angel, did you stalk Sam prior to the wendingo event?"

Mark looks at his hand that's joined with Sam's. "Sam knows I staged the wendingo event in order to meet him."

"But does he know that you have been watching him for years?"

Sam looks at Mark with amazement, "Years?"

Mark looks at the doctor with amazement, "How do you know this?" He looks at the doctor closer. "You're not human."

The doctor nods. "I'm not. I've been assigned to Sam by Billie."

Sam's eyes get big. "You're a reaper?!" He's about to take Groot and leave.

"Sam Winchester." Billie is standing in the doorway.

Sam's standing by the sofa. He's glaring at Billie, "Why are you messing with my life?! Haven't I given enough?!"

"It's not about that Sam. Mark is good for you. He was the angel assigned to you, just as Castiel was assigned to Dean. Mark wasn't suppose to intervene unless necessary. Now the two of you are bonded. Mark's not your soul mate, but he is your intended. What I need the two of you to do is find Jason Fletcher." Billie gives Sam a photo. "On the back is his last known whereabouts."

Sam looks at the photo. It's a picture of a young man in his 20's with shaggy blonde hair and green eyes. "Who is he?"

Billie smirks, "Don't you recognize your own nephew?"

Sam looks again at the photo. The young man has Dean's eyes and freckles. "Why do we need to find him. Can't he just live his life in peace?" Sam has a gut feeling about what she's going to say.

"He's a killer, Sam. Since he's your kin, you should be the one to stop him. If you don't stop him, I will."

"Why should I care?" Sam doesn't know this kid.

Billie crosses her arms. "He's your brother's son. Maybe you can redeem him. Figure out what his malfunction is, and set him straight. Whatever you do, you need to hurry. You'll be saving more than just his life." She vanishes.

~~~~~~~~~~

**[Tuesday, June 28, 2022]**   
**[Fort Wayne, Indiana]**

Sam and Mark pull up at the address on the back of the photo of Sam's nephew. Jason lives in a house. It's a small home in a quiet community. 

They leave Groot in the truck, but they both take their weapons. Jason may not be calm or friendly when they first meet.

Sam looks to Mark, "Am I just suppose to tell this kid I'm his uncle?"

Mark shrugs.

They hear a scream come from inside the house. Both of the men pull their guns and approach the front door. Mark tries it, but it's locked. They go around back.

They hear more screaming. They get to the back door and it's also locked. Sam kick's the door open after two tries.

They're greeted with a man holding a woman with a knife to her throat. He's wearing jeans, no shirt or shoes. She's only wearing pink panties. She has blood on her from where he's already cut her arms and chest. The wounds appear to be superficial. "Don't come any closer! I'll kill her!"

Sam and Mark both lower their guns.

Sam speaks calmly, "Jason?"

"I don't know you!" He pulls the girl's hair and she screams. "It's best if the two of you turn around and leave. You saw NOTHING! You know NOTHING!"

"Jason, let the girl go. We need to talk." Sam takes a step forward.

Jason cuts the girl's arm. She screams. "The longer you're here, the better the odds are that this bitch dies."

"Why?" Sam has to know.

"You wouldn't understand. Just GO!"

Sam sees Jason getting upset. He also saw the girl's skin sizzle as the knife cut her. Jason's blade is made of silver.

"What is she Jason? A shifter? A werewolf?"

Jason is stunned by Sam's words. So stunned it gives the girl an opportunity to grab Jason's knife.

She was fast, but Sam was faster. He put a silver bullet in her heart faster than she could blink. She drops the knife and falls dead.

"NOOOO! I WAS SUPPOSE TO KILL HER!!" Jason picks up the knife and starts stabbing her over and over again.

Sam and Mark stand back and wait for Jason to tire out. Jason finally falls back after stabbing the dead girl until his arms wore out. Sam grabs the knife giving it to Mark.

Jason is resting with his back against the wall trying to catch his breath.

Sam squats down near Jason and asks, "What did she do?"

"Killed my mom." He kicks her bloody thigh with his heel. "Fucking bitch!"

Sam hates to ask, "Was there a reason?"

Jason's crying now. "She was trying to kill me. Mom jumped in front of me." He sniffles and quickly stops the tears. "I should have never brought her here."

"How long have you been a hunter?"

Jason tilts his head in confusion. "Hunter?"

Sam stands up. "I'm guessing this isn't the first monster you've seen."

Jason shakes his head no.

Mark asks, "How many have you killed?"

Jason doesn't hesitate with his answer. "Six. This would have been number seven."

"What did you do with their bodies?" Sam needs to know.

"Buried them in the woods. Why?"

~~~~~~~~~~

It took some effort cleaning up the blood, but the house is back to how it was before a monster was killed in it.

Sam, Mark, Jason and Groot are in the woods uncovering the bodies of the "monsters" Jason killed.

Once they are all uncovered, Billie appears. "Hello Sam."

Jason jumps back with a hunting knife in his hand, ready to fight. "Who are you!"

"I'm Death, but you can call me Billie." She walks down the line of unearthed bodies and points at one. "This girl." She looks at Jason. "Why did you think she was a monster?"

Jason is nervous as hell. He looks at Sam and Mark. He sees that they aren't nervous or holding a weapon. He lowers his knife. He thinks about the girl she pointed out. "Um. She uh." He swallows. "She... had...um fangs."

Sam bends down and checks her jaw for retractable fangs. There are none. Sam shakes his head no.

Billie looks at Jason. "Wrong answer. Try again."

"Okay. It was an accident. I was trying to kill her fanger boyfriend and she got in the way. He escaped. I got him the next night." He shrugs. "I'm sorry, alright?"

Billie stands in front of him. "It's not alright. You killed an innocent person and you feel no remorse about it."

Jason looks away from her eyes that are full of judgement and things he doesn't want to see. "I said I'm sorry."

Sam interrupts, "Dean and I have killed innocent people."

Billie looks at Sam. "Do you honestly believe this kid would say yes to Lucifer then jump into hell with him? Or have what it takes to blow up Chuck?"

Sam holds up his hands. "I know what you're saying, but Jason has Winchester blood, too."

Jason is confused now. "What?"

Billie tilts her head at Sam. "You didn't tell him?"

Sam looks at Jason who looks like he just got hit with a sledge hammer. "Yeah. I'm your biological uncle. My brother, Dean, was your biological father."

Jason points at Sam. "This isn't right. You're playing me." He starts backing away from everyone.

Billie uses her powers to keep Jason's feet from moving.

"WHAT THE HELL!!" He tries moving his legs and can't.

Sam explains, "I'm sure you've heard of Dean and Sam Winchester."

Jason runs his hands over his face in frustration. "Yeah. Mom talked about them."

Sam speaks calmly and clearly, "I'm Sam Winchester. You're Dean's son. This isn't a joke. Dean died 2 years ago saving the world." Mark places his hand on Sam's back giving him some moral support. "You were born to be a hunter. It seems you've got two choices. Come with me and my partner, Mark. I'll train you and you'll be one of the best hunters on the planet. If not, you'll go with her." Sam motions toward Billie.

Jason looks toward the scary woman and then back toward his uncle. "Why? Because I killed an innocent girl?"

"Because you need proper training. My brother and I learned from our father and other older more experienced hunters. Training you will help prevent what happened to that girl." Sam is practically pleading with Jason. "Please come with me."

Jason shakes his head and smirks.

Billie walks up to Jason and touches his shoulder.

He falls dead.

Sam yells, "NOOOOOO!!!!"

Groot starts barking.

"I'm sorry Sam. You would have given him access to the bunker. He would have killed you and Mark. From there, he would have kept on killing indiscriminately."

Sam's leaning on Mark for support, "You don't know that for sure!" Groot nudges Sam's hand. Sam pets him.

Billie gives Sam a look. She's not a rookie. Jason was a serial killer conveniently disguised as a young hunter. "Yes, Sam. I know for fact he would have killed you both and exactly 83 others before someone eventually stopped him. That's why I stopped him. You're welcome." Billie vanishes.

~~~~~~~~~~

It's late into the night when Sam and Mark finally ignite the pyre in the woods. All the salted bodies burning with Jason's body on top. 

~~~~~~~~~~

**[Wednesday, June 29, 2022]**   
**[The Bunker]**

Sam is upset about Jason, but not as upset as he thought he'd be. He never really got to know the kid. So, it's not like he lost someone he will truly miss. He is disappointed about the lost potential of what Jason could have become. It made Sam think a lot about Jack.

"Are you okay?" Mark pulls Sam into his arms while lying in bed.

"Just thinking about my son, Jack."

"I thought you weren't suppose to talk about him." Mark kisses Sam's forehead.

"After what happened to Jason, I decided I don't care. I miss Jack. He deserves to be remembered and loved. I'm not going to let anyone take that from me. Not even a very scary Shadow from the Empty."

Sam spends the next several hours talking to Mark about his son, Jack.

"Why exactly were you so afraid to mention him?" Mark is holding Sam and fingering his hair.

"I'm not really sure anymore."

~~~~~~~~~~

Two hours later, the heavy bunker door is heard opening and closing.

Groot is heard barking in the war room, but the bunker alarm is silent. No red beacon lights.

Sam and Mark jump up with guns ready. They walk quickly into the war room to find a man bent over petting Groot.

Sam yells, "Show yourself!"

The man stands up straight. "Hi dad! I'm home!"

Sam drops his gun. "JACK!"

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading my story. Please let me know what you think. Your kudos and comments encourage me more than you could ever know. 💜


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